Download PDF They Call Me Daddy: A Diary of a Dysfunctional Father

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My estrangement from her has come in phases. Following a crazy night during which she tried to strangle me when I was in my early teens, I did not speak to her for almost five years. I missed her. I longed for her. I had taken care of her for so many years.

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I was her therapist and trusted friend. I was never her daughter. Eventually, I caved to these feelings and I re-established contact with her.

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At this time, I was also actively seeking therapy and continue to. I tried to establish boundaries. I thought that I could manage her by making rules: only see her in public, always have a getaway car. But a person like this is all-encompassing — a wave. I broke it off again in my early twenties for another stretch of years, but again it tortured me.

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  4. I felt her pain. I felt her aloneness. I waited for an apology from her. I waited for her maternal instincts to kick in. I waited for her to come and find me and take it all back. It never came. She projected onto me and told me I was her abuser. She sent me vicious emails. I caved again, my heart swollen with blame. But she was always horribly, tragically and diagnostically the same. Our estrangements left me feeling raw, paranoid, and sick with guilt.

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    I felt her eyes on me everywhere. The guilt chewed on me like a rat. I dreamed of her constantly. She was always chasing me down the side of a mountain or swimming across a large lake towards me. She is wearing a felt hat with feathers in it, and it is quietly snowing.

    "Please don't leave me daddy" I Sad Multifandom

    She is singing Joni Mitchell to me. I wake up, hunch over and cry in the dark. Her subconscious presence bulldozed me. She always came back. I always brought her back. I am now approaching I have built a life of peace. I have an incredible relationship, and friendships and a family that isn't sick with narcissism. This has taken me unimaginable work and time, Sugars.

    I have had my fair share of relationships with alcoholics, self-mutilation, anxiety. Most of the time when I tell people of my estrangement, especially those who have lost a parent early, they are stunned. In this society, I am selfish.

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    Occasionally, I meet someone who is also experiencing the loss of a parent by choice and estrangement. We are a small, shameful group of people. Estrangement is barely talked about. We need to talk about parent loss by terrible choice. My mother and I are now estranged again. This time I am resolving permanence. I miss her terribly. I am grieving her. I am trying to approach this in black and white. Yet, I think about her still.

    I want to call her and have it all be different. Can I make it different? I think about her walking the earth, the woman that gave birth to me, and I am irrevocably heartbroken. My question used to be: Should I have contact with my mother? But I know that answer now.

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    I should not. But my question to you is: How can I live without her? How do I move out of a constant state of guilt? This choice feels wrong in my bones, but it is absolutely the right decision in reality. How can I live the rest of my life without my mother, who is living in the same zip code? Only 4 left in stock more on the way. Usually ships within 3 to 4 days. Usually ships within 6 to 10 days.

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